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Original Novel: Fate/emblem


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Well, I'm writing something.... and I would like to try posting it here! Hopefully, I'm borrowing their "Fate" story but I'm not owning it. If they contact me and said: "Hey, stop it! You're messing with us and stealing our franchise!", I'll immediately stop and erase my writings and say: "I'm very sorry! Please spare my life!" (hopefully, It may not happen Posted Image)

I'm a type moon fan and I like their stories....so I'll try something new and start a novel on my own... The name is Fate/emblem.

The compilation of my work (this fiction story) is on page 2 so if you don't want to take your time scrolling down.... go directly on it.

Oh, Please remember:
  • I'm just a fan. Also, an amateur when it comes to this things.
  • I want to write a novel.
  • I want to improve my English vocabulary.
  • I'm not a Japanese but I can barely (just barely) understand it's language.
  • This novel is just a fiction. A whole new series of my version. A story existing only on my head and the characters are purely imaginary. Some of them didn't really exist on the original Fate series but I created them for convenience.
  • I dedicate this to Type Moon coz they give me an inspiration.
Here goes nothing! Please read the prologue and criticize me more! If they say that it's okay and I can continue on working, then I'll post the chapters here! Oh, by the way, I've posted this on Baka-Tsuki one month ago so if you want to see it, then just go to the said site. Thanks a lot! Posted Image

Prologue:
Spoiler

Edited by oninn, 17 May 2012 - 03:29 PM.

Posted 27 February 2012 - 09:56 AM


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This is really interesting! It could really use some proofreading to deal with the occasional awkward phrases, but it's still readable in this form. If I were to give one piece of advice it would be not to use the asterisks for gestures and such. For example, *gasp* is usually only something I expect to see in chat speak, so it's sort of jarring to see it in the middle of a story.

But don't get me wrong, I actually quite like your writing. Something about it makes it almost feel like it's a real part of the Fate/Franchise. It's definitely a style well-suited for visual novels, with the focus on dialogue, general lack of long paragraphs, and all the internal thoughts and emotions. I think this has got potential to be a really great story.

If I understand correctly, this will be the second Holy Grail War? And is this following the canon timeline, where the grail is corrupted during the third war? If so, then I guess this Archer is actually a hero...at first I thought it might be Kiritsugu...hmm...

So yeah, basically, I think this is really cool and I've love to see where you go with this. Though I'd recommend you get a proofreader/beta-reader/whatever to help tidy it up a bit.

Posted 02 March 2012 - 10:58 PM


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Thanks for the remarks and advice. I actually finished the 1st Chapter but since I need to review for my finals, I won't type it here for now. Maybe I'll post it here next week.

Posted 10 March 2012 - 01:04 AM


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I'll post the Chapter 001 now so please read it. Thanks!

Spoiler



Hope you enjoy. Urgh, it's almost 16 pages, you know. Enjoy. Also, I need comments and suggestions. Thanks guys!

Edited by oninn, 17 May 2012 - 03:30 PM.

Posted 11 March 2012 - 06:10 PM


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Bartholemoi, hmm? I'll admit, I had to go read up at the Type-Moon wiki for that one. Interesting addition, mixing in a Dead Apostle and an otherwise normal guy with mystic eyes. Man I love mystic eyes, they're one of my favorite things about the Nasuverse!

It's really starting to really bug me just how little I know about the Meiji era...like, I'm fairly confident that I'm not completely incorrect in imagining the setting to basically look like Rurouni Kenshin, with kimono and such. But does the Tohsaka family still live in a massive Western mansion? Do they dress in Victorian clothes? Does the maid girl where a traditional french maid outfit, or a Kohaku style kimono-maid outfit?? Yes, it is these sorts of things that preoccupy my mind when I should be studying.

I'm interested to see how Naoto's role in this war plays out, especially since his eyes seem so damn useful. I can't remember any Nasuverse mages being able to understand barriers that well and that quickly! (Then again, I have a bad memory!) But if he teams up with Tohsaka that would surely endanger the cute little relationship he's got with Serene, since they're both masters and all...by the way, I love the imagery of her just nonchalantly jumping onto branches and rooftops!

As for criticism...your grammer still isn't unreadable, but the number of errors and inconsistencies are certainly a bit jarring. My best advice is still to get someone to beta-read it, even if it's just for simple stuff. I'd volunteer to do it myself if you'd like, but I wouldn't be able to promise being especially quick about it, particularly not during mid-terms. If you'd rather just do it yourself, I'd mostly recommend that you pick one tense and stick with it the whole way through. Past tense is fine, present tense is fine, but swapping between them is kinda confusing. (So easy to do though, I know! I recently just spent forever correcting an essay I wrote, all the while cursing myself for randomly switching between tenses...). The story does feel much better without the asterisks though, I'm glad you followed that advice!

On a slightly more complicated note, like I said, your writing style is very well suited for a visual novel sort of experience. It just lacks the pictures. While I'm able to fill in the blanks and enjoy it just fine, there are...a lot of blanks. I'm thinking if you try and add a little more visual detail in certain places, your scenes might feel more concrete, you know? For example, when they're checking out the barrier, I think a sentence or two about how the market looks would really help create the atmosphere. Maybe Naoto sees the buildings with a slightly reddish hue, which makes him feel uneasy and out of place. Or maybe just a line about how eerie it is to see the place at night, empty of people. Those are just examples of course, but I hope they convey what I mean. Anyway, you shouldn't worry about adding a whole lot of detail; for the most part I really love the flow you've got. Very uncluttered.

So yeah, thanks for sharing! Looking forward to the next chapter! (And come on, I can't seriously be the only one reading this, right? Someone else should leave a comment too!)

Posted 15 March 2012 - 06:58 AM


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Bartholemoi, hmm? I'll admit, I had to go read up at the Type-Moon wiki for that one. Interesting addition, mixing in a Dead Apostle and an otherwise normal guy with mystic eyes. Man I love mystic eyes, they're one of my favorite things about the Nasuverse!

It's really starting to really bug me just how little I know about the Meiji era...like, I'm fairly confident that I'm not completely incorrect in imagining the setting to basically look like Rurouni Kenshin, with kimono and such. But does the Tohsaka family still live in a massive Western mansion? Do they dress in Victorian clothes? Does the maid girl where a traditional french maid outfit, or a Kohaku style kimono-maid outfit?? Yes, it is these sorts of things that preoccupy my mind when I should be studying.

I'm interested to see how Naoto's role in this war plays out, especially since his eyes seem so damn useful. I can't remember any Nasuverse mages being able to understand barriers that well and that quickly! (Then again, I have a bad memory!) But if he teams up with Tohsaka that would surely endanger the cute little relationship he's got with Serene, since they're both masters and all...by the way, I love the imagery of her just nonchalantly jumping onto branches and rooftops!

As for criticism...your grammer still isn't unreadable, but the number of errors and inconsistencies are certainly a bit jarring. My best advice is still to get someone to beta-read it, even if it's just for simple stuff. I'd volunteer to do it myself if you'd like, but I wouldn't be able to promise being especially quick about it, particularly not during mid-terms. If you'd rather just do it yourself, I'd mostly recommend that you pick one tense and stick with it the whole way through. Past tense is fine, present tense is fine, but swapping between them is kinda confusing. (So easy to do though, I know! I recently just spent forever correcting an essay I wrote, all the while cursing myself for randomly switching between tenses...). The story does feel much better without the asterisks though, I'm glad you followed that advice!

On a slightly more complicated note, like I said, your writing style is very well suited for a visual novel sort of experience. It just lacks the pictures. While I'm able to fill in the blanks and enjoy it just fine, there are...a lot of blanks. I'm thinking if you try and add a little more visual detail in certain places, your scenes might feel more concrete, you know? For example, when they're checking out the barrier, I think a sentence or two about how the market looks would really help create the atmosphere. Maybe Naoto sees the buildings with a slightly reddish hue, which makes him feel uneasy and out of place. Or maybe just a line about how eerie it is to see the place at night, empty of people. Those are just examples of course, but I hope they convey what I mean. Anyway, you shouldn't worry about adding a whole lot of detail; for the most part I really love the flow you've got. Very uncluttered.

So yeah, thanks for sharing! Looking forward to the next chapter! (And come on, I can't seriously be the only one reading this, right? Someone else should leave a comment too!)


Now that you've said it... It seems incomplete... for me. Thanks! Now I know what my problem is... I think that adding descriptions on the surroundings and details on what they saw will make it feels like a light novel. I'll rewrite the chapter 2... and I think I'll post it here next week. Oh, about your last statement: "And come on, I can't seriously be the only one reading this, right? Someone else should leave a comment too!" ... It bugs me too... Hahaha!

Posted 17 March 2012 - 01:47 AM


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MOKAY! Finally found this. I kept over looking it for some reason. This was recommended to me by the most wonderful
MezzoParody, and while I am nowhere near as eloquent as she is, I will now to give you my opinions.


You switch tenses a lot, sometimes in the middle of a sentence, which is really bothersome/visually irritating. Your actual writing style is fine, its not childish or overly simplistic, unlike a lot of fanfics.

It flows well in most cases the only exceptions being when the grammar gets in the way. It reminds me of the visual novel, and the effect works quite well.

As a whole I really like it, I'm looking forward to more.

MOKAY! Finally found this. I kept over looking it for some reason. This was recommended to me by the most wonderful
MezzoParody, and while I am nowhere near as eloquent as she is, I will now to give you my opinions.


You switch tenses a lot, sometimes in the middle of a sentence, which is really bothersome/visually irritating. Your actual writing style is fine, its not childish or overly simplistic, unlike a lot of fanfics.

It flows well in most cases the only exceptions being when the grammar gets in the way. It reminds me of the visual novel, and the effect works quite well.

As a whole I really like it, I'm looking forward to more.

That part was not meant to be in bold, I don't know why it ended up like that.

Posted 24 March 2012 - 04:26 AM


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That part was not meant to be in bold, I don't know why it ended up like that.


Because I'm so amazing and eloquent, you harbor a subconscious impulse to praise my wonderfulness in bold text! Tis the only explanation!

...jokes aside now. Anyway, Onnin, my spring break is coming up soon, so if you'd like me to run through your stuff and make some grammar corrections, I'll be available then :)

Posted 25 March 2012 - 03:59 AM


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...jokes aside now. Anyway, Onnin, my spring break is coming up soon, so if you'd like me to run through your stuff and make some grammar corrections, I'll be available then :)


Then I'll take that kind offer of yours... Actually, I'm reviewing for my upcoming exams for the next semester (I'm quite busy studying, you know?) so I can't really start up the computer and upload my works... And I don't have a Laptop so I write by hand... (I wonder why I started to complain but I'll be done with it right away) Sigh... Anyway, If you have time, kindly run through all my stuff and edit the grammar as much as you please. Your post above is gladly appreciated. I don't want to make promises but I WILL post the next chapter as fast as I can...

Edited by oninn, 28 March 2012 - 06:26 PM.

Posted 28 March 2012 - 06:25 PM


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Mission accepted! I'll PM you when I've finished with chapter one, whenever that'll be :P

(Also...you write all of this by hand?!? That's certainly an admirable feat! I salute you. I, on the other hand, am useless without a computer...)

Posted 28 March 2012 - 08:13 PM


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I sit here, utterly stunned by the hard work I see laid out in front of me. Page after page of writing, all in a VN / light novel style that is descriptive, detailed, and still easy to read. The characters seem to have come straight out of the minds of Type Moon, with the same characteristics and behavior patterns I've come to expect. And as the strawberry to top the cake, its a very original story, with background and settings that are simultaneously familiar to all Fate players and yet entirely their own thanks to the new setting. You astound me, onnin.
From what you've posted so far, this looks to be a great story. I actually have a few questions about it, though, if you don't mind answering. What type of gun is used in the beginning of the story? Pistols were somewhat effective at this point in history, especially in America and Western Europe, but I doubt there would be a dead hero who was famous for the use of guns at this point... Unless he's like Archer from the original game, pulled from the future? And on a more overarching story level, I'm curious to know how or if you plan to give this a happy ending, since the Grail War has never been successfully completed. (But I guess you can't answer those kinds of questions, as the author. That would give away too much...)
Same stuff that the eloquent Mezzo and direct KatMab have said before about grammar and all that, but that's why writers have editors, yeah? Grammar Nazi Mezzo will probably polish it all up when she has the time, so please, keep writing with all the passion you have to date!

Posted 28 March 2012 - 09:48 PM

"Life isn't about lasting through the storms, its about learning to dance in the rain."

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Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it. Really.

What type of gun is used in the beginning of the story? Pistols were somewhat effective at this point in history, especially in America and Western Europe, but I doubt there would be a dead hero who was famous for the use of guns at this point... Unless he's like Archer from the original game, pulled from the future? And on a more overarching story level, I'm curious to know how or if you plan to give this a happy ending, since the Grail War has never been successfully completed. (But I guess you can't answer those kinds of questions, as the author. That would give away too much...)


Of course. I won't really give necessary details...But there's one thing that I can assure you: I'll never make a half-assed ending. I think I post the chapter 2 tomorrow since I'm almost done with it. I'll play Mahou Tsukai no Yoru (Demo).... I'll take my leave, for now. (I'm having a problems on choosing the identities of the servants right now... hmmm, who shall be the ones to appear first?) Chapter 2 is just all details while Chapter 3 is all about action! I'm looking forward to my own work! <-----------WIERD. The fact that I, the author, am looking forward to it is just....Oh well.

YOOHOO!ヽ(゚∀゚)人(゚∀゚)メ(゚∀゚)人(゚∀゚)ノ HOORAAAAY!

Edited by oninn, 29 March 2012 - 08:10 PM.

Posted 29 March 2012 - 08:06 PM


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Not weird at all, really, I know a lot of authors say that the story almost writes itself so they look forward to reading their own work every day. Have fun!

Posted 29 March 2012 - 08:25 PM

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Two people in one thread have just called me eloquent, and yet I suddenly feel very in-eloquent in comparison to theroad. He left a much better comment than any of mine, and I think it's because his was very emotionally honest while mine are mostly...constructive criticism. Now I feel like some kind of robot. But I totally agree with everything he said, so please pretend that I said the same things!

Grammar Nazi Mezzo will probably polish it all up when she has the time, so please, keep writing with all the passion you have to date!


I dunno, "Grammar Nazi" makes me sound like some kind of extremist...and grammar alone is such a narrow field...so maybe "Language Enthusiast" instead? After all, it's quite unlikely that I'd commit genocide just because of an improperly conjugated verb. :P Well okay, maybe in a few special situations...

But you know, I was thinking about the gun thing too. I don't remember too well, but I was under the impression that Archer (the red one) was a rare case that only happened because of Rin's pendant thingy. Hmm, famous gun users from around/before the early 19th century...maybe he's a pirate? I sure do like pirates, though I don't really know much about them. But I guess we'll find out soon enough!

Posted 30 March 2012 - 07:21 AM


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Chapter 002

Please enjoy!


Spoiler



Sigh. Finally... I'm a bit discontented...but I think that it turns out well enough. Anyway, I'll post the part 2 of that later. Maybe... Next week? If you have some time to spare, please read it and point out my mistakes. Thank you everyone.

EDIT:
I'm currently drawing some drafts and character designs. I'm doing some brainstorming earlier while I'm at break from studying.... then the thought of "drawing something random won't hurt a little time, right?" and I start to draw some anime characters.... And poof! Instant character created! Heheh. Though I'm a bit frustrated because I made Yuu-chan.... a little bit....f- f- flat.

Edited by oninn, 17 May 2012 - 03:31 PM.

Posted 30 March 2012 - 08:17 PM


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Hmmm, any chance the armor design you described for Serene's Serveant is based on the picture of Saber you have in your sig? Shoulders exposed, silver breastplate, silvery cloak, foreigner... Do I sense a personal preference of the author?
Good chapter, although I admit surprise at how quickly the two came to a truce. From foes to friends in sixty seconds or less. And Naoto's fatigue from using his eye is interesting, as it implies either mental or physical drain on his body from using them. I may have forgotten how Mystic Eyes are usually handled, but in this case would it be that the eyes are as much an ability as any other magic, draining off a magus circuit he doesn't realize he has?

I dunno, "Grammar Nazi" makes me sound like some kind of extremist...and grammar alone is such a narrow field...so maybe "Language Enthusiast" instead? After all, it's quite unlikely that I'd commit genocide just because of an improperly conjugated verb. :P Well okay, maybe in a few special situations...

Its a backhanded compliment, I guess, but I definitely meant it as a compliment. I have great respect for editors and anyone with a passion for languages, its an amazingly difficult and confusing field. I'll make sure to refer to you as a "Language Enthusiast" from here on out, so that we know I mean a compliment. :D

Posted 01 April 2012 - 08:55 PM

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Ahaha, Yuu-chan is sort of an idiot, isn't she? But not in the bad way. "Surprise attack failed, so let's be friends!" is an endearing mentality. A little worrisome though, since it's unlikely that all the other masters are as kind or forgiving as Serene...

So Lancer is yet another female in plate-mail? Turns out alternate-history is chock full of them! Unless she's another gender-bent hero, the only potential identity I can think of is Joan of Arc. The obvious option, I know. I don't think she used a spear though. Ugh, never mind, I'll just stop thinking about that.

@Road
No worries, I wasn't offended or anything! I'm just an awkward person by nature, so I'm not good at dealing with compliments >.<
The Mystic Eyes thing interests me as well. The only in-depth discussion I remember about them was regarding the Mystic Eyes of Death Perception. Tohno Shiki experienced fatigue from them because they made him aware of things normally beyond the scope of humans (or something, I think). Interestingly, that didn't happen to Ryougi Shiki. I have no clue why. But maybe Naoto has a similar problem...?

Thanks for yet another interesting chapter (half-chapter?). Looking forward to more! Also, I should be done revising chapter one by the weekend :)

Posted 03 April 2012 - 04:06 AM


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I'll post the part 2 later... And I am still researching... probably on Rider's Identity, but almost everything is complete... well, er... not really close but not to far from being "completely" complete... I do have the plot but character developments are also important so it will take some time....






Anyway, thank you for reading! :D

Posted 03 April 2012 - 03:46 PM


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The truth is.... its not done. We'll be going on a trip so I can't post the next part. I'll probably post the continuation on 15 or 16.

Here's the second part:



Spoiler


[Almost done.... just several pages more.... Uuuuuhhh...]

Edited by oninn, 17 May 2012 - 03:33 PM.

Posted 06 April 2012 - 04:56 PM


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Oh, remember that I've sketched characters for this novel, right? Rider will look like this (or not? But I'll edit it.) in the near future... I'll re-draw the main characters for now.... since I don't have a class today. (Naoto, Yuu and Serene)

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I didn't photoshop this since I don't like wasting time editing something that isn't worth editing. I think it's fine as it is though I still have lots and lots of improvement...

Posted 16 April 2012 - 03:30 AM


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